What is asexuality?

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof

It’s important to remember that asexuality is an umbrella term, and exists on a spectrum. Asexual people – also known as “Ace” or “Aces” – may have little interest in having sex, even though most desire emotionally intimate relationships. Within the ace community there are many ways for people to identify..

1. My friends talk about sex all the time, but I don’t feel any desire to be with someone in that way. Is it normal to not feel any sexual attraction towards other people?

Answer:
Yes, it is completely normal to not feel sexual attraction towards other people. Love doesn’t have to equal sex! You can have strong, meaningful relationships with friends or partners that don’t necessarily involve a sexual connection. In fact, there is a huge spectrum of identities and sexualities out there that can help describe different kinds of attraction. We encourage you to learn more about identities like asexuality, which may help you feel more at ease about not feeling sexually attracted to others. Remember, nothing is set in stone, and you don’t have to label yourself with a term unless you’re ready. Your feelings may or may not change over time, and that is completely okay!

Question:
*2. I am romantically attracted to boys and girls, but I don’t want to be with them physically. Can I be bisexual and asexual?

Answer:
Absolutely! Because you feel romantically attracted to others, you may feel comfortable using the term “romantic” instead of “sexual,” then adding “bi-“ to show that you’re attracted to both boys and girls. This creates a term that’s commonly used in the asexual and ace community: “biromantic.” Another term for you to explore could be panromantic, which describes a person who is romantically attracted to others, but their attraction is not limited by the other person’s sex or gender.

Question:
3. I kissed my boyfriend for the first time and it was gross! Does this mean I am asexual?

Answer:
Not necessarily. There are a lot of things that make up our identity, and who we are physically and romantically attracted to can be discovered over time in many different ways. It sounds like you are listening to yourself and are in touch with your feelings – that’s an awesome first step! What you experienced is perfectly normal, even though being grossed out by your first kiss might have been confusing.

People who identify as asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people, or “aces,” often identify somewhere on a spectrum that includes their emotional, spiritual, and romantic attraction to other people.

It might be helpful to think about how you feel about your boyfriend, too. How do you feel about him romantically, spiritually, and emotionally? Remember, love does not automatically equal sex or being physical. In fact, many happy, healthy relationships don’t involve those things.

So, are you asexual? That’s up to you to decide because you know yourself best! You might do some more research and find out that “asexual” is a good way to describe yourself – or, you may find another term that fits your feelings better. Give yourself time and space to explore what you are feeling. You are not alone!

Question:
4. How do I tell my partner/the person I like that I am asexual?

Answer:
This is a tough question, and there isn’t any easy answer. Coming out to ANYONE can be scary, and many people in the ace community face specific risks when coming out, like being rejected by a partner or love interest. Some aces even voice fears of never finding a partner who will accept them for who they are. However, there is a whole community out there that can offer support.

You deserve love and happiness, and we hope that you will find someone who will love you for the amazing, whole person that you are! You should NEVER feel pressured to have sex with someone if you don’t want to, no matter how much you like them. If someone doesn’t accept you for being asexual, then they might not be the right person for you.

Question:
5. People are telling me that something is wrong with me now that I’ve come out as asexual – even worse, some are saying that asexuality doesn’t exist. How can I help them understand me?

Answer:
It sounds like you are honestly and bravely sharing your feelings with the people you love and depend on, but that they aren’t hearing, understanding, or validating you. That’s really tough, especially because having the support of family and friends can make such a huge difference as we’re discovering who we are. We want you to know that being asexual is completely valid and normal and that you have our full support!

It might help to explain to the people in your life that asexuality is a sexual orientation just like being bi, gay, lesbian, pan, or straight – it all comes down to how you are attracted to other people, in what ways. Remind them that you can have strong, meaningful relationships with friends or partners, even if you aren’t being physical with them. You can also try and connect them with some resources, like the ones at the bottom of this page, so they can do some research on their own.

Ultimately, we can’t change how other people respond to us, or force them to understand who we are. What we can do is share our stories and make meaningful connections with others who are ready to accept us for who we are. You are an amazing gift to the world, and we are so happy that you are being authentically YOU!

Attraction, not action!

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like homosexuality or heterosexuality. And like being straight or being gay, it’s about what someone feels, not what someone does. Dating, having sex, masturbating, falling in love, getting married, or having children do not conflict with asexuality in any way. There are many reasons why an asexual person might do these things that do not require sexual attraction to be present.

Experiencing arousal or orgasm also do not conflict with asexuality.

Some do, some don't

Many questions people have about asexuality can be answered with the same phrase: “Some Do, Some Don’t.” Do asexuals date? Some do, some don’t. Do asexuals fall in love? Some do, some don’t. Do asexuals have sex? Some do, some don’t. Do asexuals masturbate? Some do, some don’t. Do asexuals like pepperoni pizza? Some do, some don’t. We are all individuals, with our own individual preferences and personalities, and it is generally impossible to make blanket statements about us.

The gray areas

Some people feel that they are “almost asexual” or “asexual with an exception”. That is, they strongly identify with being asexual, except for a few limited or infrequent experiences of sexual attraction. Gray-asexual people fall in between asexuality and non-asexuality. In some cases, they experience sexual attraction only rarely. In others, they’re unsure if they’ve experienced it or don’t feel that they quite fit the definition of asexual in some way. Demisexual people are only capable of feeling sexual attraction after developing a strong emotional bond with someone. Demisexuality and gray-asexuality fall within what’s called the “asexual spectrum”.

How can i tell?

If you want to know if you’re asexual, ask yourself the following question: “Do I feel sexual attraction?” If the answer is “No”, you’re asexual. The problem with that question is that “sexual attraction” is a vague phrase. It’s difficult to say that you’ve never felt something, if you don’t know what that something feels like.

If you’re still unsure, here is a list of questions to help guide your thoughts. They’re not meant as a checklist to “diagnose” asexuality, rather, they describe feelings that many asexual people have had.

Are you generally disinterested in sex?
Is your interest in sex more scientific than emotional?
Do you feel left out or confused when others discuss sex?
If you had sex, did you think it was dull or boring, and not the amazing experience other people made it out to be?
Have you ever had to pretend to be interested in someone in order to fit in?
Have you ever felt “broken” because you don’t experience sexual feelings like those around you?
Have you ever felt that you were straight “by default” or that you were bi or pan because you were equally (dis)interested in all genders?
Have you ever gone out with someone or had sex because you felt “that’s what you’re supposed to do?”
If you want to know if someone else is asexual, you have to talk to them about it. There are no outward signs of asexuality, and you shouldn’t attempt to label someone else against their will.

Sources and related info!:

• Asexual - Trevor project.

• What is asexuality.

(There in that page is all you need to know about asexuality AND a lot more, do your own researching there so you can find yourself!)

• A little glossary